Fake animals are the bomb.com/cheap, and they’re GREAT raw material for crafts. Crafting is therapeutic- it definitely lulls the hamster wheels whirring within my brain, plus it helps cork the emotional hole that a real life animal would fill anyway!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve thought about getting an adorable pet so that my heart doesn’t harden into a stiff granite pump as quickly as it would otherwise, but these plastic critters will have to do for now. I heart animals but it’s just not the right time in my life for me to adopt 14 new puppies from Africa or whatever is in fashion with celebrities these days. But I know I would be a great baby mama to a dog because the pooches I usually dig are about the size of most burritos I’m known to give A LOT of love to. I’d also love to get a massive linebacker-sized canine that doesn’t make me look fat, obviously, but I’m afraid my lungs are not robust enough to combat the dander blasts from those Beethoven types. Big short-hair mutts are dope too, but those dogs always seem to be rockin’ huge dangly balls as a statement piece. What’s up with that? That low hanging fruit is maaaad distracting. Sorry, but I just can’t afford to be upstaged by a Scooby Doo’s flopping manhood at this point in my career so a dog will have to wait.  Don’t H8, queen!!!!!

When I decided to make these magnets I galloped to the craft store (looking much like a plastic antelope, coincidentally), and found a whole gleaming section of tiny toy animals- all types of colorful creatures were arranged in inviting translucent tubes. But guess what? There was a rando lady grabbing the last tube of these wild animals right when I got there. The fuq? I was crushed. Trounced. Irked. It felt like a craft marauder was carelessly spelunking in my soul.  I stood there wondering if anyone had ever glue gun pistol-whipped a bitch in the Michaels kiddie craft aisle (no one would see!) just as she snatched up a tub of sea creatures. THANK GOURD.  While I do love me a good synthetic manatee, I was pretty stoked about what I managed to hunt and gather for myself. HARK! Can you hear the Jumanji drums in the distance? FYI if you’re looking to marry me, this is my fat-ass dowry:

To create your own easy butts o’plastic, you will need several toy animals, an Xacto knife, small magnets, and ye olde glue gun:

1. Cut animals in half- This is what the Xacto knife is for – I found the process akin to cutting many firm artisanal cheeses.

All done. Check out my wild orchestra of cool:

“I got 99 problems, and they all bitches.”

2. Glue magnets to animal halves and let dry: I started with the reptile because I love me some nice gator bedonk.

I didn’t want the other halves of the animals to feel left out so I glued them too. ALL DONE!

I once heard that the elephant symbolizes the grounding butthole chakra so how fucking perfect is this? Gosh my shit is deep.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this super easy, very craft. I love repurposing cheap plastic and giving it some utility. Makes me pheel phat.

<3