Jewelry is fucking awesome. And cheap jewelry is the most awesome, until you sweat and it leaches a band of green copper alloy residue onto your skin- the insidious Zorro mark of a Forever 21 accessory binge.

I’ve been really into gold jewelry lately, and by lately I mean the past 26 years of my life.  FUN STORY: I’m allergic to Mexican gold. We found out the hard way when I got my ears pierced when I was just a larval human. My ear lobes reacted violently to the gold studs and proceeded to grow around the earrings in an attempt to eat them and assimilate them into my body for proper destruction. And I’ve been gold hungry since ’87! One time I paid for an embarrassing amount of parking tickets by selling 2 small gold coins like some millennial pirate, arrrghhh ‘tis true, me matey!!!!

It’s hard to look regal on a budget, but even harder to have the narcissistic personality disorder that is a prerequisite to aspiring to look like royalty. I love jewelry as much as the next Liz Taylor, but Mint dot com and Sallie Mae tell me that my golden dreams will have to w8 for now.  I wear two gold rings on my fingers ALWAYZ. They got really loose in my post college years when I lost all my Svedka weight, and are due for a self esteem-boosting resizing. My butch daemon tempts me to do DIY a welding session, but I fear that would leave me with a melted phalange.

I saw a chain lock necklace somewhere on the vast digital plains of the Internet and knew it would help sustain and nourish my gold fever. It’s a sick design and has the visual intensity required by my daily mumus/aura.  So I went off to the hardware store to get this chain door lock:

Chain locks are as old as Vaudeville, which is embarrassing to our Diabetes by Dre generation.  They allow the door to open slightly, so that a marauder can still stick his arm through and shoot you in your fat face. Are these supposed to make us feel safer? Do you have one on your door? You better, just in case Creeper McCreepballs triangulates your location through your Instagrams, breaks into your apartment and furtively tries on your high heel collection before you come home from barre class some day!!!!!

This was a relatively easy craft to complete, and I highly recommend if you like attention and don’t mind wearing hardware that you find next to toilet piping at Home Depot around your dainty neck. It looks great in my tree of aluminum chains from H&M jewelry box, and probably will in yours too!