Short of smearing a Gogurt Squirt on my pulse points, I have attempted to smell like deliciousness for most of my adult life. As a college freshman in 2006, energized by finally being at a school with boys(!) and jazzed about my newfound .001 ounces of birth control boob growth, I approached the Hanae Mori counter at Bloomingdales for a signature scent that would make all the boys come to the yard and hopefully poke me on Facebook.

“This is lovely. It smells a tad like vanilla. But most importantly, men looooove this,” a smoldering cougar hissed, holding up the bottle of Hanae Mori Butterfly like a sacrificial lamb at the counter.

“Hmm, let me smell it.” – I said, my cosloppus chakra whirring with excitement.

My eyes rolled back into my naïve head. It smelled good. It smelled like promises- like clumsy T9 text messages and date burritos because every dewd at school would be hooked on Eau de Jacquie.

“Men really, really love it. They like vanilla,” the woman hooted, her forehead plump with bovine.

THEY LIKE VANILLA. That truth etched itself into my brainfolds and remained long after I outgrew Hanae Mori/smelling like every female Jr. Olympics champion.

I imagine myself as a man- with trendy, kaleidoscopic sneakers and hair in slick plaits (L.O.L.).  I venture that I, too, would be drawn to women bedecked in vanilla…BECAUSE I ALREADY LOVE IT AS A FEMALE AND VANILLA IS THE ILLEST SCENT AND WE ALSO PUT IT IN PIES. I guess my point is that everyone, all people- THEY LIKE VANILLA.

That is where scents like KleanSpa’s Man Scent: WOOD comes into play. Holy vanilla bean.

This scent has been my fave for at least 6 months, not including the time when I was rationing my last drops of Flowerbomb, whilst crying bitter Birchbox perfume sample tears. The description of “Man Scent: WOOD” unfurls:

Wood: Sandalwood mingled with amber and musk with a touch of vanilla, to keep him a little sweet (and a lot sexy!)

Yummy. Evokes the image of a man scuffling across a vintage kilim rug in house slippers, en route to pay for someone to make him a pour-over coffee in his rapidly-gentrifying neighborhood. Although I am not a “him,” I find this scent to work for both sexes, just like Skrillex hair. Last year I smelled it on an ex coworker and immediately bought it for my boyfriend. I presented unto him treasures: gold, and frankincense, and MANScENT. He said he noticed that more old ladies in the Whole Foods elevator talk to him when he wore it, which made me purchase a bottle for myself out of a fit of confusing jealousy. Man Scent probably radiates a pheromone cloud around men and triggers ovulation when you wear it around women.

OF COURSE THIS ISN’T THE POINT. I love the scent because it smells amazing and makes me feel like a confident flute of incense. And when other people are into it, it’s a double win.

On me, I notice that people mention that ‘someone smells really good’ and then scamper away in a daze…as if they can’t pinpoint why it smells like the inside of a sexy genie lamp up in here. When I wear it, gardeners hit on me even when I’m behind a tinted car window.

I’ve tried the roll-on applicator and this little hipster dropper. Both have minor drawbacks- the roller doesn’t last as long but I sometimes detect hints of nutter butter when I use the dropper. Either way, I smell like the most delicious human that has ever walked the face of your computer screen. Currently I am mixing this elixir with some organic vanilla lotion so that the scent firmly embeds into my eager pores and transmits an aromatic force field around me.

Give it a shot for yourself- dab it onto your wrists after a casual night swim in figgy pudding and see the magic of Man Scent unfold before you!